Monday, 28 January 2013


There is a theory known as simulated reality. It's pretty complex and I don't claim to have done anything other than used a search engine and glanced at a few pages on Wikipedia. My limited understanding is that there is a chance that we're a simulation set up by 'people' in the future to see what life was like and how we react in certain scenarios  - like how will the human race deal with climate change or will Uwe Neuhaus strengthen his forward line? The big questions in life. In my life anyway. 

So let's make the assumption that we've been here before - or at least someone has. There was an FC Union Berlin many years ago before the human race wiped itself out. What happened to the club? Where did it go right? Where did it go wrong? Remember, this is probably the 100th time we've played the 2012/3 season. Let's try and learn something this time.

What are the possibilities from here on in? The first is that Union fail to adequately strengthen, a poor set of results and a derby defeat send Union hurtling down the table and we narrowly avoid relegation. Nobody can understand why we signed a bloke whose own fans called him a fatty to replace Markus Karl. Injuries to Nemec and Terodde leave us relying on an out of form Silvio and a reserve striker called Skrzybski.  

Another possibility is that Union, buoyed by the new stand and an even louder home crowd are roared on to victory in every home game they play after the winterpause. They also tighten up away from home and earn a solid draw at rivals Hertha whilst surprisingly doing the double over Köln and beating Bochum on the final day to secure a play-off spot. All done on a shoe.string budget with Nemec and Terodde forming a lethal partnership.

Another reality is that Union pipped rivals Cottbus to the signing of their former player John Jairo Mosquera. The former striker, who scored the equaliser in the win against Hertha back in 2011, becomes a crowd favourite after demolishing the west Berliners with a brace as Union win 2-1 again. The signing of another striker adds competition but Terodde and Nemec struggle to find form. Injuries ravage the Union squad and new signing Barış Özbek contracts a mystery virus and never plays for the club again. Neuhaus is ousted as manager and Mattuschka takes over as player-Coach and Union finish 12th. 

In a season that most hail as the strangest ever, Union win the league but are disqualified for taking their rightful place in the top flight of German football. The authorities get revenge on Union for not signing the original 'safe stadium experience' document and invent a number of excuses that centre around the Alte Försterei not being fit for Bundesliga 1 football. An ultimatum is offered to President Zingler and he refuses the offer. Union can only be promoted if they make their ground all-seater. Union fans praise their President and vow never to play top flight football in Germany. This strange stance attracts huge attention and Union become unplayable at home and win the league again in the 2013/4 season. Again, they take the glory but not their rightful position among the elite.

I am in serious need of the football season re-starting. Bring on Friday night. Feel free to make equally ludicrous 'reality' up below in the comments section. Who knows, it could have already happened!

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